Anxious

I've got a lot of feelings floating around these days, but the most of which is anxious.  I am heading back to work next week and I am not quite sure what to make of it.  I love my job.  Like really LOVE my job.  But, I am not quite sure I am ready to accept the fact that the blissful days of maternity leave are quickly coming to an end.  Evelyn can't really be 4 1/2 months old.  She can't possibly be ready to spend an entire day with anybody but her momma.  My house can't possibly run itself without me there... can it?

Not only am I not ready but I am feeling like I didn't make full use of my time.  I didn't hold her enough.  She spent too much time in her swing.  I didn't give my boys the attention that they deserved.  Oh the list can go on, and on, and on.  There is just so much that I wish I could have done, or done better.  Four kids is a lot... I am not going to lie.  There are things that I have had to let go.  My house is not as clean as I would like it.  My kids dress themselves (and look like it).  I don't always get a shower.  But I can let those all go.  What I can't let go is feeling like I haven't done enough for them.  It kills me. I want more than anything to hold Evelyn all day long.  I want to read endless amounts of books to Graham and play baseball until I can't physically do it anymore with Tyler and Alex.  But I can't.  I can't do it all.  And it kills me.
Why do we put this on ourselves as moms?  Why is good enough never really good enough?   Why can't we be happy with all that we DO do?  

Feeling the mommy guilt real good right about now.