Pretty in Pink

Well, we did it.  We celebrated our very last first birthday in the Bugbee house.  Goll, almost makes me cry when I put it that way.  

Anyhow, it was an even to remember, that's for darn sure.  Evie and 50 of her closest friends rang in her first birthday in a bash so pink you would have thought we painted the house with Pepto Bismol.  Oh, and a little gold, since she is a princess you know.

It was so much fun decorating for a little girl's birthday, I may have went a little over board.  

One of my favorite parts was the photo time line.  Really makes me realize how very fast it went.

We were all about pink and hearts!

The birthday girl was a touch overwhelmed to say the least.

But, when it came time for cake she was all about it.

Evie and her God-Momma, and my God Daughter, Abby.

Eloise giving loves.

As planning and anxiety that went in to making this day perfect, I would do it all again.  I can't believe my little girl is ONE!


Where do I go from here?

I am at a weird place in my life.  Everything that I have lived my life for is behind me and it is an odd feeling.  In 2003, after 5 long years of college, I began my dream job as a NICU nurse.  I married my wonderful husband 10 years ago in the wedding of my dreams.  We bought our first house, then our second and eventually our forever house.  Together we remodeled our forever house just to our liking.  As a child I spent countless hours playing with my dolls and day dreaming about having my own babies some day.  Well, almost nine years ago we welcomed our first son and we didn't stop there.  Number 2 and 3 followed and the fourth and final was my little girl.  I couldn't have been more blessed.  In this time we muddled through two deployments, law school, a job change a cleft lip and many many ups and downs.  And now here we are happy, healthy and complete.  
But what's next?  I have always had a goal, something to look forward to.  But what do I look forward to when I have everything I dreamt about since I was a little girl?  The thought of looking forward to my kids growing up doesn't seem right.  I don't want them to grow up.  There is no new house to be had, we have the perfect one.  No career change for me.  I couldn't love my job any more.  Sure, there are the trips we will take as a family and the adventures we will surely embark on.  But nothing will be quite like the journey to motherhood.  It's something special, something that saddens me I will never get to experience again.
Don't get me wrong, I know I will always be a mother, but from Evie on everything will be different.  Everything will be the end rather than the beginning for me.  I have infant paraphernalia cluttering my living room simply because I can't bear to get rid of it.  I have always just packed it up until next time.  Well, this time there is no next time.  I guess it's a mourning process of sorts.  I will leave it there until I feel as though I am ready to part with it.  Ready to admit that this is it.  Ready to come to terms with the fact that there will be no more newborns in this house.  I find myself doing things like burping Evie after a nursing.  Yes, I burp my almost 11 month old.  Not because she needs it, but rather because in my eyes she is a little baby still.  I begrudgingly lowered Evie's crib, by one notch, the other night at 9:30 because she was leaning over and about to fall out.  Of course I wasn't proactive in doing it right when she learned to pull herself up, because that would mean that she is getting older.  That crib would never be on the first setting again.  And moving up sizes in clothes and diapers, don't even get me started.  It is a day full of tears each time.  Oh and the Gap… I seriously might have a breakdown on the day I no longer get to shop in the infant section.  Every step of the journey is a dichotomy for me.  On one hand I am happy that I have three wonderful boys and this beautiful little girl that I get to watch grow on the other hand each new thing that they do and learn puts infancy that much further behind us.  I am a newborn momma, that's what I do.  I am good at it.  But what do I do when there is no more newborn?  Will I ever be able to see a pregnant woman and not long to have that baby in me?

When I had Evie I got that feeling.  The feeling that she truly completed our family.  But, I didn't get that feeling that I would never want to experience that journey again.  I wish I had.
I hope it will come.  I hope that I can experience the growing of my children with wonder and joy instead of always looking back.  Because, while I don't want them to grow up and I will always want to remember what they were, I most certainly do not want to miss anything while looking the other way.

I truly am one lucky Momma!


Good enough.

Wishing I was doing more of this lately.

Becoming a mom of 4 kids has taught me a lot, but nothing more so than, it's just not about me anymore.   People ask me on a daily basis how I do it.  The truth is, I don't know.  I just do.  Most days I feel like I don't do it very well but at the end of the day my kids are fed, bathed, happy and healthy… and that right there is success in my eyes.  I wish I could do more.  I wish I could do it all.  But those moments where my kids look up at me and tell me they love me makes me realize that I don't need to do it all to be good enough in their eyes.



My blessings...

So, I have come to the conclusion that the reason my blog is failing is really quite a good reason.  As I have said many many times before, life with 4 kids is insanely busy.  I am pretty sure that there is not a day that goes by that someone doesn't say to me, "I don't know how do you do it".  Well folks, either do I.  You just do it.  And like I said in my last post, sometimes you don't do it very well.  It's those days that I remind myself that there is always tomorrow.  All of the mayhem leaves little time for Dan and I.  I will admit, neither of us are great at taking initiative either.  Therefore, date nights are pretty nonexistent.  Also, the thought of leaving 4 kids that I can barely handle home with a teenager… it just doesn't seem right.  Let's be honest too… when I think of a perfect night it usually entails going to bed early and sleeping the whole night.  I am pretty sure Dan would agree.  Night time is our time.  Or really, the 3 minutes from when I get into bed to the time I fall asleep, is our time.  Spending time out on the computer telling the internet about my day takes second place to talking, uninterrupted, to my husband.  But, tonight Dan is away, so a blogging I will be! 

Tyler James, almost 9 years old

Tyler is a fierce 49ers fan and I am proud of him for that.  He has chosen the team he wants to support and stuck to it despite many reasons not to.  Friends telling him that they don't want to be his friend anymore (I know, really?  Breaks my heart.), bad Seahawks fans shoving signs in his face, and a city that is relentlessly in love with their team that is finally winning.  He preservers though and I can't think of a trait I would want more for my son.  He stands tall, wears his red in the sea of blue and will cheer those 49ers on to the end, whenever that may be.  
When not cheering on the 9ers he can be found on the soccer field, the slopes (where he has found a new love of snowboarding) and soon enough, on the baseball field.  The boy loves sports.  His book of choice is currently the NFL Records book.  He is also a Cub Scout and working hard with Boppa to design his very first pinewood derby race car.
While I know that Tyler is not perfect, he is becoming just the son I could have only hoped to have.  That's not to say he doesn't give me a run for my money, but he is a loving, compassionate and strong guy.  He knows when he has made a mistake and knows just what he needs to do to make it better.  He loves his brothers and really loves his sister.  I am so proud to be his momma.

Alexander, 4.5 years old

Or Alex, rather.  Because God forbid you call him Alexander, he will correct you.
Oh Alex, where do I start with you?  Alex is, always has been and I am sure always will be my tough one.  While his steadfastness has seemed to have waned in some areas, it is just as strong in others.  
He is a bright, energetic and inquisitive pre-K'er.  He, unlike Tyler, is the first to tell me all about his day, repeat his new prayers and lead us in melody with his wide array of songs learned at school.  I love it.  He has found a new love… Star Wars Legos.  And no, it's not good enough to just have Tyler's old broken down sets, he has to have his own.  Not sure I can blame him on that one though.  Looking through three huge bins of grey and black legos to find the right piece isn't exactly my idea of fun either.  
Much to my surprise, Alex took his first ski lesson last week.  While the conditions weren't favorable, he took it like a champ and even said he would go back next week.  Just maybe this kid is getting a little easier.  Ha, I say that until I try another swim class and we spend the entire session sitting outside of the pool.  He is, however, eager to begin his T-ball career this spring.  
Last but not least, Alex received his first Kindergarten acceptance letter!  Can hardly believe that my second born is going to be in kindergarten already.  
What I love the most about Alex is his out of the blue "I Love You's".  They are absolutely the best.  He knows exactly when I need one.

Graham "Cracker" 2.5 years old

Hmm, Graham.  I think there is one word that pretty much sums it up for him these days.  Parrot.  He will take anything he hears and repeat it, over, and over, and over again.  My favorite right now is, "What dat for mom?"  He uses it for everything.  Usually it is meant in the context of, what is that/this, but sometimes only your guess is as good as mine.  Boppa had eye surgery the week before Thanksgiving and is pretty much on the mend, but there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't ask "Boppa have owie?".  My second favorite Graham-ism has to be "Dare momma's ospital where you take care of sick babies." This is said every time we pass by Seattle Children's, which is a lot.
He is my little side kick these days.  On days that he is not in school he is my constant running commentary.  He holds me accountable and keep me on my toes.  I love you so much little man.  
Graham's cleft issues are minimal at the moment.  He had his second dental appointment and all things look good.  Much to our surprise he is getting a tooth in the area where his gum was cleft.  It is small and a little misshapen, but this bodes well for his GPP having taken.  Sparing him bone grafting in the future would be such a blessing.  We will continue to follow up with the hospital dentist but will not see our cleft team again for another year and a half.

Evelyn Anne, 9 months

My baby, she is growing up.  Evelyn Anne, I cannot tell you how much joy you have brought into our lives.  Your smile is infectious, your giggle irresistible and the way you quietly demand attention is impressive. Even Nana will agree, there is not a single place we could go that people don't comment on you.  Movement is the word in her book.  You put her down and she is off to get into everything that she is not supposed to.  However, while she is fond of her new found traveling skills, she is definitely not opposed to snuggles and just hanging out.  For this I am thankful.  Her latest and greatest trick his her chatter.  When things get chaotic around here, which they often do, she is not willing to get lost in the sea of boys.  She exerts herself and lets everyone know that she is indeed here too!
She is an amazing gift to our family and there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God that she is ours.

Ahh, updates done, and it feels so good!



I have sat down to write this post about a dozen times.  Not sure why, but the creative juices just aren't flowing for me.  I have always been so inspired when it came to my photography and my blog.  It has been a source of enjoyment and self reflection.  However, as of late, it serves as one more thing on my never ending list of things to do.  I want to sit down and write about how our life is rainbows and roses, but the truth is, it's not.  There are days I never get out of my pajama pants.  There are days that I feel all I do is yell at my kids.  There are days where it seems nothing I do, and I mean NOTHING, is good enough.  Meals don't always get made, laundry doesn't always get finished and yes, sometimes the toilets go way too long without a scrubbing.  
This is life… this is my life.  
All I want out of my life is no regret.  I don't want to look back and wish that I played Legos with my boys more, held Evie a little longer and spent a little more time just being with my family.  The question is, how do I get there?  There is always "one more thing I have to do" before I can help Alex with his new set.  There is always "one more minute" before I can play a game with Tyler.  And bedtime with Graham and Evie is always so rushed, because lets face it, by the end of the day I am exhausted.  I try to be conscious of my action.  I try to be the parent that I believe my children deserve, but life and the to-dos always find a way to creep back in.  
So with this being said, what I hope for for 2014 is
I hope to cherish each and every moment.  I will strive to live for today and not fear tomorrow.  
I hope to spend more time with my kids and make my marriage a priority. 
Most of all I will have no regrets.
This is my one chance… there are no do overs in life.

What are you goals for 2014? 


Rolling Rolling Rolling

Someone thinks she is pretty cool... even with her thumb in her mouth.