I've got a lot of feelings floating around these days, but the most of which is anxious.  I am heading back to work next week and I am not quite sure what to make of it.  I love my job.  Like really LOVE my job.  But, I am not quite sure I am ready to accept the fact that the blissful days of maternity leave are quickly coming to an end.  Evelyn can't really be 4 1/2 months old.  She can't possibly be ready to spend an entire day with anybody but her momma.  My house can't possibly run itself without me there... can it?
Not only am I not ready but I am feeling like I didn't make full use of my time.  I didn't hold her enough.  She spent too much time in her swing.  I didn't give my boys the attention that they deserved.  Oh the list can go on, and on, and on.  There is just so much that I wish I could have done, or done better.  Four kids is a lot... I am not going to lie.  There are things that I have had to let go.  My house is not as clean as I would like it.  My kids dress themselves (and look like it).  I don't always get a shower.  But I can let those all go.  What I can't let go is feeling like I haven't done enough for them.  It kills me. I want more than anything to hold Evelyn all day long.  I want to read endless amounts of books to Graham and play baseball until I can't physically do it anymore with Tyler and Alex.  But I can't.  I can't do it all.  And it kills me.
Why do we put this on ourselves as moms?  Why is good enough never really good enough?   Why can't we be happy with all that we DO do?  

Feeling the mommy guilt real good right about now.


{four} months

Count them, one, two, three, four... four whole months.  
Not quite sure where the time has gone or what the heck I did with these last four months but it's true... my little girl is four months old.  I can't really consider her an infant any more.  She's a baby.  A happy, healthy, smiling, laughing, chubby, little baby.  I think what saddens me most about the big four is the what's right around the corner for me... work.  
Evie, my darling, you are truly an angel these days.  We are over the colic, the sleepless nights and the incessant crying.  We are on to big girl stuff now.  Like sleeping through the night, sucking your thumb and taking bottles.  You are a very content little gal (for the most part) and will calm yourself at the first thought of unhappiness with your new best friend, your left thumb.  Momma's in love!

You smile at the drop of the hat, even when you have your thumb in your mouth.  Today we even heard the beginnings of your first giggles.  You thought it was quite hilarious when mommy blew zerbers on your belly.  I can get over the huge change in you in just the last few weeks.  In the darkness of colic I was quite sure I was never going to see the light.  But it is here and shining brighter than ever.

Um, seriously.  I could nibble on those little toes forever.
Today you weighed in at 11.5 pounds and measured 23 inches long.  10th percentile across the board.  Pretty darn good for a premie I would say.  You are still wearing mostly 3 month clothes and size 1 diapers.  I just shipped off all of your newborn clothes to cousin Ann.  It was a sad day for this momma, but I am so glad they are going to good use.
Sleep is your sport.  You normally wake about 7am to eat and get changed.  Most days you will quickly fall back asleep until about 9 or 9:30 or sometimes longer.  Your days are still a toss up.  Some days it seems like you sleep all day long, others are cat nap days.  We have yet to get you into a real daytime nap schedule, but I know it will come.  For now naps are when you can get them in the car or in the swing.  You tend to be relatively regimented about your bedtime.  7:30 is bath and feeding time and then into the crib you go.  Ever since the thumb we have quit swaddling you and you put yourself to sleep easily.  You will still wake on occasion at about 5 am.  Thats when I bring you to bed with us, nurse you and get my snuggles in.
Nursing is going great.  You are not a huge eater but you do good enough.  You tend to nurse about ever 3-4 hours during the day, sometimes more, sometimes less.  We have FINALLY gotten you to take a bottle.  It seems that you have resigned yourself to this sort of feeding, but much prefer the breast.  Momma is thankful for one less worry when I go back to work.
We took our first car trip to California.  You did great.  Details will be coming in a post soon to come.

Miss Evelyn,
You are the light of my world, little one.  I thank God every day for bringing you to our lives, because  I can't imagine a life without you in it.  You have completed our family in the most wonderful of ways.
I love you little princess, more than you may ever know.