I am at a weird place in my life. Everything that I have lived my life for is behind me and it is an odd feeling. In 2003, after 5 long years of college, I began my dream job as a NICU nurse. I married my wonderful husband 10 years ago in the wedding of my dreams. We bought our first house, then our second and eventually our forever house. Together we remodeled our forever house just to our liking. As a child I spent countless hours playing with my dolls and day dreaming about having my own babies some day. Well, almost nine years ago we welcomed our first son and we didn't stop there. Number 2 and 3 followed and the fourth and final was my little girl. I couldn't have been more blessed. In this time we muddled through two deployments, law school, a job change a cleft lip and many many ups and downs. And now here we are happy, healthy and complete.
But what's next? I have always had a goal, something to look forward to. But what do I look forward to when I have everything I dreamt about since I was a little girl? The thought of looking forward to my kids growing up doesn't seem right. I don't want them to grow up. There is no new house to be had, we have the perfect one. No career change for me. I couldn't love my job any more. Sure, there are the trips we will take as a family and the adventures we will surely embark on. But nothing will be quite like the journey to motherhood. It's something special, something that saddens me I will never get to experience again. Don't get me wrong, I know I will always be a mother, but from Evie on everything will be different. Everything will be the end rather than the beginning for me. I have infant paraphernalia cluttering my living room simply because I can't bear to get rid of it. I have always just packed it up until next time. Well, this time there is no next time. I guess it's a mourning process of sorts. I will leave it there until I feel as though I am ready to part with it. Ready to admit that this is it. Ready to come to terms with the fact that there will be no more newborns in this house. I find myself doing things like burping Evie after a nursing. Yes, I burp my almost 11 month old. Not because she needs it, but rather because in my eyes she is a little baby still. I begrudgingly lowered Evie's crib, by one notch, the other night at 9:30 because she was leaning over and about to fall out. Of course I wasn't proactive in doing it right when she learned to pull herself up, because that would mean that she is getting older. That crib would never be on the first setting again. And moving up sizes in clothes and diapers, don't even get me started. It is a day full of tears each time. Oh and the Gap… I seriously might have a breakdown on the day I no longer get to shop in the infant section. Every step of the journey is a dichotomy for me. On one hand I am happy that I have three wonderful boys and this beautiful little girl that I get to watch grow on the other hand each new thing that they do and learn puts infancy that much further behind us. I am a newborn momma, that's what I do. I am good at it. But what do I do when there is no more newborn? Will I ever be able to see a pregnant woman and not long to have that baby in me?
When I had Evie I got that feeling. The feeling that she truly completed our family. But, I didn't get that feeling that I would never want to experience that journey again. I wish I had.
I hope it will come. I hope that I can experience the growing of my children with wonder and joy instead of always looking back. Because, while I don't want them to grow up and I will always want to remember what they were, I most certainly do not want to miss anything while looking the other way.
I truly am one lucky Momma!
