Wow is all I can say. Life has gotten busier than I ever thought it would. Every waking moment is spent preparing meals, cleaning the house, changing diapers, doing laundry, kissing boo-boo's, settling arguments, cleaning some more, driving from one activity to the next, having play dates, grocery shopping, folding clothes, working, breastfeeding... you get the point, I could go on forever. It's getting to me. Our lives are so busy I feel like I am missing out on these days. I feel like they are getting away from me and I am never going to get them back. My baby is going to be one in less than a week and I can't quite tell you where the last year has gone. I want it to stop. I want to hold my little baby and soak in every moment. I want to be able to snuggle Alex without thinking about all the things I need to be doing. I want to toss the ball with Tyler without feeling guilty that there is laundry that needs to be folded. I just want time to stop.
I fear that I will look back at these days and wish that I could have done more with my boys. That I would have worried less about the future and more about the present. That I would have enjoyed every moment more. Am I the only one that worries about this? Each night I hold on to Graham, sleeping in my arms, just a moment longer because I know that these days I will never get back. Yet, it never seems to be enough. Once I lay his sleepy head in his bed I think to myself, I should have held him longer.
I know, I am certifiable. My husband reminds me daily. But, this is what my life is about. For as long as I can remember I have dreamt about getting married and having babies. Yeah, being a nurse and working with babies is just an added bonus. But what do I do when I no longer have a baby? Because, inevitably, that day will come. I love my boys and I know as they grow and we reach new territory I will enjoy it, but right now it scares me. Right now it makes me sad. I have always thought of myself as a "baby person". Well, I guess I am going to have to learn to just be a "boy person".
2 comments:
Me, too, mama.
Ps-don't think I ever responded to your sweet invitation to run on Monday's. We had preschool Monday's this year. But we are out and Monday's are free. We'd love to join you sme time!
i feel the exact same way. i got super depressed when eda turned 1. my baby days were over. OVER! and it freaked me out. besides being a nurse all i wanted to do was be a mama to the baby stage. i could keep having more and more but the logical side of my brain knows better. my heart just has had trouble keeping up. i keep trying to find the great things about where we are now. no diaper bag, no baby gear, less stress when leaving them. but it still hurts and it is still painful that it is over. it goes SOOOO fast. you just cannot be prepared for how fast it goes... ever. and i look back and wish i had been more present and more patient and more everything. i want a do-over. you aren't alone jen. hugs to you and happy first birthday to sweet graham! xo
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